Motherhood, Muscles, Massage & Mindset

2012-02-28T18:04:00.000-08:00

Hello my lovely friends. I've been away. Deeply cocooned in a winter hibernation. And now Mama Bear returns!! Not with a roar though.

More like a coo.

I'm feeling sweet lately. A bit (but not too) soft. And mostly grateful.

As a bodybuilder experiencing her first off-season since I started this sport in 2009, each day feels like Christmas!

Each day, I wake up incredulous!! an eight year old, with a most wondrous twinkle in my eye. REALLY MOM? REALLY? I CAN EAT WHATEVER I WANT!

Of course I can always eat whatever I want. Think about it. I'm a woman of a certain age (this is the part where you say but you look so young) with decent financial mobility to eat well, drink well, go to fun restaurants and bars, buy some fun toys. Live life to its fullest. And yet, 40 weeks or more out of the year, I am dieting. Seriously hardcore hungry dieting. The begging pleading, Eat Ludvig eat from the world at large, kind of dieting (a joke only fellow women of a certain age who watched a certain late night comedy many moons ago will get).

It is my choice not to eat when I prep for a show. I know that. I've got competition dieting worked out girls:

I like to call it proactive starvation...
My star turn as a hunger artist....
Conscious meditation on the reduction of caloric intake....
Seriously reducing my carbon and actual footprint.....
The I love to wear my clothes baggier and baggier because I can method
My so what if there is no fat left on my neck and face, have you felt how friggin hard my ass is approach.
And my call to arms: I'm a LEAN AND FIT NATION OF ONE, WHO WANTS TO JOIN ME!!!????

So there she is girls, my rather more militant game-on competitor side making an appearance.

But that bitch has seriously gone dormant. Totally tuberously underground.

And I love it!!! I am so free without her!
'
Let me tell you what I'm not up to these days:

I'm not scanning facebook every night to size up my possible competition.
There is not even a limit to how good I want fellow bodybuilders to look (usual limit -- I want them to look awesome but just not as good as me).
I don't walk around thinking that 99 out of 100 people I meet are obese or at least borderline chubby (Note-- it's crazy how your eyes calibrate off of how you and only look. When you are a walking skeleton, all you notice everywhere else is flesh flesh flesh!!)
I'm not emailing my coach at 11:30 PM wondering if the macros I googled for a pomegranate I was thinking about eating but actually didn't because I didn't want to risk them being wrong, are accurate
I'm not drinking two pots of coffee a day anymore -- and can you believe how much calmer I am on this sheer fact alone??
And finally, here is the best one girls -- wait for it, wait for it: I'm not going to bed hungry. Do you know how good that feels? Just to say it??? And then to luxuriate in this experience?

All the time. I get to feel. Sated. Full. Comfortable. Cozy. Sleepy. And still friggin lean and fit.

Just right. Mama Bear is happy girls.

Really happy. xo

Diet Down but Dig Deep for Inner Peace

2012-02-02T18:05:00.000-08:00

I've competed in figure and bodybuilding competitions for a few years now. I can sum up my bodybuilding preparation in one paragraph:

Weigh and measure all food to account for my macros (protein, fats and carbs). Weigh myself daily. Weight train 5 to 6 days a week. Do my cardio as needed to get lean. Submit weekly pictures and spreadsheets to my coach. Wait for coach feedback. Adjust accordingly. Work as hard as I can to hit my "goal" weight and look for a show. Practice posing, purchase posing suit, get ready for show day and GO! Go for a win!!!! Sounds about right, don't you think?

My son Brendan is in second grade and that is the kind of paragraph he writes to his teacher in his weekend journal. No matter how hard I try, I haven't been able to get him to do anything but list the stuff he's gotten and the places he's gone. I try to give him examples, like, why don't you tell Mrs. Shea about how hard you cracked up when Dad dropped the pie on the floor (I cried of course - what a waste of a gorgeous, luscious unbelievable pie -- so what if I can't eat it, that pie deserved better!) Brendan stares at me and says - "Mom, why? Why would I want to do that?"

(I fast forward the tape 10 years and know, just know that some poor beautiful girl will be sitting in a restaurant having this exact same conversation with my son).

You may not like what I'm about to say. But. Here goes.

Sometimes I have this same kind of conversation when I meet others in the physique world. Ask a fellow competitor how they're doing, and here's what you'll usually here:

I'm in my off-season
No off-season for me this year!
I started my diet 1 week ago and I'm already down 7 pounds!!
Don't look at me now, I just gained a ton of weight
This is the heaviest I've ever been
This is the leanest I've ever been
You should have seen me three weeks ago!
I put on a sh**load of muscle this off-season
I put on a sh**load of fat this off-season
I think I can make lightweight this year
I'm definitely a heavyweight this year

And on and on it goes.............................

Enough already!!

Tell me this:

What do you do better than anyone else in this world?
What makes you laugh?
What is your deepest fear and what step did you take today to overcome it?
Tell me about an unfulfilled dream -- can you manifest even just a scrap of it?
When do you feel most alive, passionate, happy and pulsating with peace inside of your skin?
What are you hiding from?
What are you running towards?
Who do you love and why?
How can I help you?
How can you help me?

Instead of telling me what you'll do if you win a show, tell me what you'll do if you don't?
What do you really, I mean really want to achieve as a bodybuilder? Pro card and trophies are not acceptable answers. Tell me more.

How can you find peace?

I mean real peace. Not 12 week manic diet mode pseudo-peace.

Peace with and acceptance of our bodies. Off-season bodies even more so -- we live there more than on our stage-ready bodies, don't we?

Peace within our minds. As pro card winners or last place finishers.

Peace within these spirits, these often imperfect, desperately hungry spirits.

This kind of Peace.

Let's get real my bodybuilder friends -- of course you don't have to share your answers with me or anyone else -- but you sure do need to ask this question of yourself. I promise to do the same.

What are you really hungry for?

Love Letter to a New Competitor

2012-01-29T15:39:00.000-08:00

Dear One:

There are so many thoughts and feelings I have about this exciting new journey you have begun. I know this is such a scary yet exciting time for you. Please know that I share your fears, your nervousness and your excitement!

Maybe you've been considering this for years now but the timing wasn't right. Or your confidence wasn't there. Or you just didn't. Do. It.

Maybe you've been a slave to the gym for years and figure it's time that you finally peel off the layers obscuring all of your glorious muscle and show it off for the world to see!!

Or maybe you met a friend at the gym yesterday who inspired you, or saw a picture in Oxygen Magazine last week, and said -- I MUST LOOK LIKE THAT.

However you've gotten there. You are there.

And even better -- you are here. On the doorstep of a new adventure. A new goal. A new world filled with counting carbs, flexing muscles, gazing in mirrors, posing suits, spray tan and let's not forget -- training and cardio.

My beloved new competitor, this is a very special, crazy and unparalleled time in your life!!

Just like all those other "firsts" in life. You will always remember these next 3, 4 or 5 months - however long you choose to prep. I promise you, you will be a different person by the end of your competition prep. And by different I mean better.

It doesn't matter if you do it just this one time, or whether you go on to compete for years. It doesn't matter if you win your pro card this first time around or take last place. You will look back with sincere satisfaction at what you have accomplished.

And what you learn about you will take you far in life.

There are so many resources out there to help you. I am offering myself up as one. Read my blog. Become a follower. Ask me questions. If I don't know the answers, I will help direct you to those who do.

Please know, dear one, that I am proud of you already. No matter what happens on your road to the bodybuilding, figure, bikini, fitbody, physique stage.

Tonight, I will list off ten thoughts/ideas to possibly help you shape the journey ahead.

1. It is going to hurt. But just like childbirth, getting a tattoo or wearing Manolo Blahnik pumps, the pay off is sooooooo worth it.

2. You will get hungry. You will drink tea, water, chew gum, eat pickles, and possibly copious amounts of coffee to fight this hunger. In time, you will learn that sometimes it's just best to go to bed early. It's always better the next day, I promise.

3. You will amaze yourself on a regular basis. Like the morning after you've gone to bed early on the night where you wanted to eat the walls of what you wished was your gingerbread house. And you know that you didn't. One more notch in the belt there - literally and figuratively, thank you very much!!

4. There will be a wedding, once-a-decade girl's weekend, cruise or banquet you will have to attend right in the heart of your competition diet. Trust me, it's inevitable. There is no one way to handle this. Well, there really is -- you must walk in with a plan. What that plan looks like is up to you and your coach.

5. You will have setbacks. Setbacks suck. Setbacks are often quite sneaky. It's usually not at the wedding type events where I've slipped. It's when someone had a plate of cookies or even crackers (WASTE OF CARBS) that I didn't even like that much. And white wine, instead of my favorite, red. The times where I didn't think I'd have a problem, and just grabbed on auto pilot. Like I said, sneaky.

6. You are not perfect. No one wants you to be. Your setbacks are your best teachers in this regard. You will learn in time and with practice when you are at your most dangerous and vulnerable. For me, this is in the kitchen at night before bed. I can undo a day's worth of impeccable eating with little picks of this and that. Remember what I said in number 2 about going to bed? That is what I have to do a LOT. After a setback, you will hate yourself, feel like quitting. You will think you've ruined everything. I am hear to tell you now. That you are still lovable, not a loser and haven't ruined anything. Just start right where you left off. Do not skip meals. Just pick right back up.

7. You will need a support system. A professional coach is ideal for that necessary trained set of eyes. None of us can see ourselves objectively no matter how long we've been competing. You need to make friends with other competitors because your best friend, as supportive as she may be, will not understand what you are going through. It may even make her uncomfortable. Do yourself a favor and reach out to others in the physique world.

8. You will definitely make some people uncomfortable. The leanness that at least a natural competitor needs to look onstage is not a normal leanness. It is hyper, freaky, lean. Not ordinary person lean. Ordinary people may ask you if you have cancer, if you are sick in some way or why you are starving yourself. Some of these questions are well intentioned and sometimes they are from people who just do not want to see you succeed. Here is what I've noticed in my years of competing -- people get very uncomfortable with a lean person eating a piece of grilled chicken they've brought with them in a zip lock bag. But nobody, I mean nobody blinks an eye if you plop down with a McRib sandwich, large fries and a super sized Coke. Which would you prefer?

9. Zip locks are your friend. And Tupperware, and coolers, and your own condiments even. I have balsamic vinegar and Tabasco sauce on hand at all times. Zip lock bags of protein are forever flying out of my purse. Do not let this embarrass you!! Refer to McRib scenario above. Zip locks make it possible for you to go wherever your work, family or friends need you to be. When in doubt -- a zip lock of chicken and an order of a plain green salad will take you wherever you need to go socially.

10. While you will see your muscles pop as your diet progresses, I have no doubt that you will utterly wow yourself with what pops from the inside, like a level of inner strength, resilience and determination that maybe you never knew you had. I promise you will be able to flex these skills far beyond the biceps you flex on show day.

Please let me know your thoughts, dear new competitor. I am here for you.

Yours in Faith, Belief and Utter Confidence that You Can Do this.

Kathleen.

Calorie-Free Tips Beat the Diet Blues

2012-01-25T15:16:00.000-08:00

Dieting, stress or winter blues got you down? Are you feeling like me in my Monday Mucky in the Mind post? You probably just need a QUICK UP!! Kathleen, what's a Quick-up you ask?

Well, girls, a quick-up is a simple calorie-free strategy to laugh, smile and embrace your AWESOME-I-AM-NESS. Here are 10 QUICK UP suggestions from me to you:

Wear your cutest pair of shoes. That way any time someone asks you, "why are you looking so down?" you will smile!
And more on the foot theme: Get a pedi and paint your toes a blazing fire engine red. If you personally are unable to scream out loud, let your toes do it for you.
Read a quick chapter from your favorite funny but soulful author like Anne LaMott, Kristin Armstrong, or David Sedaris. Even better, ask your co-worker with the funny lisp to read it aloud for you in his best David Sedaris sound-alike.

Put your reading glasses on your kid's face - like this. I smile as big as the gap between Fineas' front teeth every time I do this.
Put on your most unflattering skinny jeans with a cami top and your oldest 80's cinch belt - make it just terrible enough to be unflattering but not clownish. Now go ask your boyfriend or husband with a straight face if he likes your new outfit. Might as well ask him if you look fat in it too. Make him squirm and enjoy!
Head over to the local YMCA at around 4 p.m. any weekday in January. Watch for the earnest muscly college boys home on winter break following their strength and conditioning programs in the off-season. Be sure to wear a low brimmed baseball hat so as to maintain your MLF (and not lurking cougar) status.
Embrace your inner yogini: don either pigtails, braids or a high-on- top-of- the-head pony tail, a flowy pair of drawstring pants and your silkiest organic cotton shirt. Put on a pretty toe ring and flip flops so at show off your fiery red toes and wander the aisles of Whole Foods noshing on the free samples if you can. or inhaling the smells if you can't. Works for me every time!
Make fart noises with any boy in your life under the age of 12 (or let out a real one). I promise you, you will not be able to hold back the laughter.
Get a babysitter. Enough said. No kids? Offer to babysit: See number 4 above.
Give away your fat clothes. Now. Do it. No matter how much they cost. I know lots of women who will gladly give you theirs if you find that you need them again. Warning: This feels FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Got a quick-up to add to this list? Let me know!

Overcoming Mucky-In-The-Mind Monday

2012-01-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

Today was just one of those Mucky-in-the-Mind Mondays.

I got off to a bad start by oversleeping and missing my morning weight training session. The scale was up, the hair was frizzy, and since I had to help my husband out tonight with Brendan's scout meeting, I knew that I was going to miss my Monday evening study group, One Month to Live: 30 Days to a No Regrets Life.

Besides my after-dinner chocolate rice cake with a tablespoon of peanut butter, all day I felt like I had nothing to look forward to.

But enough. I will neither wade nor wallow in the wimpy world of WHINING. No.

If I really try and work this course I'm taking, and act as if I had a precious thirty days left to live, I'd rejoice at the opportunity to be there tonight listening to my husband Mark lead the Wolf scouts through a game of Nutrition Bingo (cereal, protein, grains, fruit, polyunsaturated fats? BINGO!!) followed by questions I had no clue how to answer without Google like: what country sits right in the center of the equator? Why Ecuador of course! I'm pretty sure I now understand where the premise for the game show - Are you Smarter than a Second Grader, came from.

If my days were numbered, I probably would relish and chuckle even more, the sweet, friendly yet utterly noncommittal way that my husband responded to our friendly cub scout troop leader's hard sell on how great taking over as the troop leader would be for Mark. I can learn from Mark - he has such a special gift for saying no without ever actually saying it.

And lest I forget, if I really was on my way out of this world, I probably would resonate and welcome with an open (and curious) heart, the unrelenting questions from my five year old son Fineas about Jesus. On the cross. Being crucified. Wearing the crown of thorns. With nails in his hands and feet.

And, no matter how inappropriately timed Fin's questions are, like when the birthday girl is about to blow out the candles, or we say hello to our Orthodox neighbors Saturday morning as they walk to temple, or like tonight, when Mark asked the scouts if they knew what a topographic legend is and Finny kicked off a lively discussion around how difficult it is to see the crown of thorns on the the crucifix in the church hall where our meeting was being held, I would answer boldly and warmly without a tinge of annoyance or embarrassment.

And how could I overlook walking in the door from work tonight ravenously hungry, and being handed a beautiful plate of warm, grilled tuna, brown rice and broccoli, all prepared by my husband extraordinaire - and not shout my gratitude and thanks from the mountaintop?

Really? What do I have to complain about? I have no choice but to Rejoice. Relish. And Resonate. With love, laughter, learning and lovingly prepared food in my life, I am one lucky Mama, wife and Scout Mother.

And who knows, maybe sometime in the next thirty days, Mark and I will succeed in redirecting Finny's curiosity to the birth of Baby Jesus.

And all will be well in my world.

10 Foods I Just Can't Live Without

2012-01-20T11:42:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's because we are headed into the weekend, I've got food on the brain.  Here is a list of my top ten food/beverage choices that I just can't live without:

1. Coffee - I have a deep love affair with rich, dark roasts. My wonderful-zero-calorie-cup- of-deliciousness. Added bonus: nothing - and I mean nothing - dampens my hunger like coffee. My go-to drug of choice.

2. Nut Butters - almond and peanut. They don't say "it's like buttah for nothin!" This fat is good for you but calorically dense, so if you haven't yet weighed or measured what 1 TBSP equals, you will probably be shocked at how little it really is.

3. Ezekiel Cinnamon Raisin Bread - heartiest, chewiest, naturally sprouted bread with low glycemic index, so that you never crash and burn after eating it.Makes awesome French Toast. www.foodforlife.com

4. Greek Yogurt - more protein, less sugar, creamier and just plain old YUM. If you are still eating regular yogurt, make the change today!!

5. Frank's Red Hot Sauce -- my number 1 go-to condiment. Me, a ziplock of grilled chicken doused in this stuff = happiness. Zests up the plainest of food and it's carb-free!

6. Balsamic Vinegar -- sweet and robust, I use nothing but this on my salads. After all, I've got to save my fat calories for my beloved nut butter

7. Gallon Jug of Water -- I actually mean the jugs themselves. Only way I'll drink a full gallon every day. Other bottles, no matter how cute or eco-friendly don't work for me. Plus, isn't it required bodybuilder equipment at the gym?

8. Canned Pumpkin - pumpkin is delicious, low carb and versatile. I love it mixed in with egg whites, protein pancakes, muffins.

9. Huge green salads - I eat one every day, year round. In prep, it helps A LOT with hunger -- a whole bag of ready to eat lettuce w/ tomato, cucumber, red onion and a few black Calamata olives -- the whole thing about fifteen carbs, delicious and densely nutritious.

10. Chocolate Rice Cakes -- rice cakes are a staple for a lot of competitor friends but the chocolate version is worth the extra few carbs to me! I usually have 1 TBSP nut butter on a chocolate rice cake with a cup of coffee as dessert!  FAVORITE part of my day. Or is the Ezekiel bread my favorite? So hard to choose!!

I eat these foods year round - in preparation for a body building show and in the off-season. In fact, I'm deep into my off-season now and a co-worker just walked by and said "You still eating those salads? I thought you'd be onto fried chicken every day by now." Clean eating is a lifestyle choice for me and not just something I do for 12 weeks. My body and my mind are clearer, stronger and I am able to bring my A-game when I eat clean.

To put this into perceptive, I can remember just about 3 years, when I had an ongoing battle in my head to FORCE myself to eat salad. I'd forever bargain with myself, kinda like this: "OK, if you have a salad today, you can have a panini tomorrow."

Now, I crave salad and miss it if I don't have one for a couple of days.

As for paninis, they've fallen by the wayside along with Starbucks' pumpkin muffins, big bowls of white flour ravioli and pizza three nights a week. (A bit of foreshadowing to my next post -- "10 Foods/Things I Just Can't Believe I Live Without" )

Change is possible. And you'll even grow to like it.   I'm a testament to this. With time and practice. One panini at a time.

Lessons from a Natural Bodybuilder: A Life Without Zest Means You Need Rest

2012-01-17T20:46:00.000-08:00

I've been reflecting on 2011 as I am apt to do at the beginning of a new year.

I had a GREAT year in many ways but today I'm looking at one very difficult part of it.

For me, 2011 was all about ENDURANCE.

I endured one long seemingly endless ultra-marathon of dieting. In 2011, I made the switch from figure to bodybuilding, and made my bodybuilding debut in June at Nancy Andrew's WNBF/INBF Pro-Am show. Check out the details of this popular show at www.neclassic.com.

I whined a lot. I railed against the rigors of a bodybuilding diet. I poured through pages of Cooking Light magazine and trolled the websites of Paula Deen and Bobby Flay, all the while saving recipes for that rainy day when a multitude of excess carbs and fat would be showered upon me in blissful abundance. You know, just the behavior of your ordinary girl next door in need of a good meal. Or twelve.

My poor husband Mark. There he was, just a poor innocent bystander, happy to hand out oranges and little plastic cups of Gatorade in support as his wife ran, walked, shuffled, or crawled her way through the ultra marathon that is bodybuilding. The thing is, that he started to get a bit cold, lonely and well, bored out there on the race course all alone, especially once I told him that the Gatorade and oranges he was giving me had way too many carbs.

You see, I had promised Mark - and myself - that I was taking the Fall 2011 season off. I'd done back to back seasons since Fall of 2009, and I knew I needed a break. And as for Mark, every time we'd discuss plans, I'd say, "yes, I DEFINITELY want to do that -- after my shows are over." This applied to everything pretty much, you know, family vacation, dinner out together, having friends over, a shared glass of wine, a night out to hear him play jazz. Even S-E-X became a future endeavor.

And then I reneged on that off-season promise. I won my pro card in June at an OCB show. I was STOKED!! And so I decided that I just had to PUSH through to the Fall and win my WNBF pro card too!!

Sleep is for the weak. Obsessed is what lazy people call the disciplined. Sweat is fat crying as it leaves your body. You have the rest of your life to be mediocre, now it's balls to the walls. No one ever succeeded by sitting it out. Just Do it.

These were some of the platitudes I told myself to get psyched up for this unanticipated bodybuilding season. Even though I'd promised my husband otherwise. Even though I was physically and emotionally FRIED. Cooked, roasted and most definitely toasted.

And come to think of it, to continue with the food metaphor, I was like the kale chips I tried to make one time. My friend's recipe cautioned me to be careful about not overcooking. That the kale leaves are hearty and delicious when cooked just right but are also delicate and can go easily from crispy to cruddy if not timed properly.

Folks, by July 2011, I was one crispy cruddy kale chip totally in need of a break.

And meanwhile my husband was jonesing for his wife back, a home brew (his are quite delicious I must say) and a nice bag of decadent Doritos, and all he got were some cruddy kale chips. And still, no S-E-X.

I'll write more about the challenges I faced in 2011. There's more to this story than one blog post affords. I will finish tonight with this:

Natural bodybuilding is awesome and I truly love it but look, it's incredibly hard and requires much sacrifice. And for these reasons, I can sometimes be a total drag to be around. (I swear I even bored myself sometimes talking about my macros, weight and how may weeks out I was.) One of my big lessons learned in 2011 is that I need to learn to pace myself, and take breaks from time to time.

And on that note, I've been thoroughly enjoying my off-season since late November. I've had good times with Mark, friends and my kids. I've rediscovered healthy delicious foods with LOTS OF INGREDIENTS to them that I haven't eaten in a long time. Things that are more difficult to calculate for protein, carbs and fat numbers - (but I still do). I've been having so much fun cooking meals that have sauces, soups,chilis and stews. Mark and I are sharing a glass of wine or beer every now and again.

Yes, my life has become ZESTY again. In more ways than one. If you know what I mean.

Life is Sweeter Without Artificial Sweeteners

2012-01-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

I gave up Equal 2 weeks ago. I had developed a bit of an Equal sweetener problem. I knew I had an Equal problem throughout 2011 but I was too focused on getting lean for my bodybuilding shows to care enough to do that much about it.

In June 2011, I did cut back from about 8 to 10 packs a day (ridiculous, I know) to half that. Instead of using a full Equal packet in my coffee and yogurt, I did a halfsie and I was willing to live with about a 4 packet consumption most days. I knew it probably wasn't good for me, because, let's face it, who the heck actually knows what's in that stuff? And, my diet coach, Dr. Joe klemczewski, www.thedietdoc.com tells us that artificial sweeteners mess with your bodies insulin response - and therefore, can slow down weight loss.

But you know, I could even live with that as well. What did me in finally, was my stomach - bloating that I just couldn't take anymore and I knew was related to my Equal usage.

I'll be honest, I don't enjoy my coffee as much as I used to. Which, I suppose also has a silver lining since I've cut my coffee consumption in half now too. I just haven't found anything as yummy sweet to my taste buds as Equal. I know I could make this a personal quest and investigate agaves, and honeys and the many variations on the stevia theme. But to tell you the truth, lately I've been asking myself why I need things to taste all that sweet?

I'm trying to re-calibrate my tastes to the natural flavors of food. Like how sweet, sweet potatoes really are. Or the amazing bitter sweetness of a pink grapefruit. Cashews, pistachios, even raw oats have a natural chewy sweetness to them.

Frankly, I'd like to retrain my palate so that when high fructose corn syrup gets approved to change its name to corn sugar (did you know this is pending?) I'll be able to say, no thanks, no corn sugar in my coffee, I'll take it black.

And here's what really counts: I'll get my sweetness from comforting my son Brendan, who has been as depressed as Charlie Brown ever since his eight birthday has come and gone. " It only lasts one day, Mom. I want it to last longer." (Just wait, sweetie, I think to myself - you'll blink your beautiful blue eyes and I'll be sending you off to college).

I'll get an extra dose of sweet comfort by listening to my son Fineas, age 5, sing to himself the song he learned from his yoga teacher at school. " Sit up tall. Take a deep breath. OM" (Usually he sings this while tapping out a beat he makes by banging one of his doll's heads into his toy bin). My crazy little wild child with a sensitive soul.

My belly is already much better and my boys love all the extra attention Mom has been giving them.

A Sweet Success!

Eating Out Naked

2012-01-14T14:03:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite things to do has always been to go out dinner with my husband, friends, the girls. Have a couple of glasses of red and a nice meal. (In fact, sometimes I cringe to think of what I could have done with all of the money I made in my twenties and early thirties if I hadn't spent it all on clothes, food and alchohol. Just think of how many pro-level Tamee Marie custom suits I could have bought by now!!)

Now I'm old and poor with a mortgage, two kids and the ever present reminder that college is only 14 and 16 years away. (Mark and I have already heavily invested in University of Massachusetts t-shirts, sweatshirts and baseball caps and extol the virtues of state schools to our boys on a regular basis. We figure if they can already parrot back the Oxyclean infomercials by heart that they are DEFINITELY going to be chanting U Mass chants by the time they are ready to apply!)

But times, folks, they are a' changing. Sadly, I enjoy eating out less and less - and let me tell you why:

It comes down to this -- I just hate how I feel physically afterwards.

Probably the biggest after-effect of restaurant food for me is my tongue hanging out of my mouth like a 90 year hound dog from the THIRST. Restaurant food is ridiculously SALTY.

Then, there is the number it does on my stomach, which admittedly, is a bit sensitive. Restaurant food is GREASY.

And being the little piggy that I am, I almost always eat more than I need to. Of course I take the blame for this one. What I should do is wave the server over as quickly as possible and ask them to box up half of my plate. Restaurant portions are GINORMOUS.

And on top of being SALTY, GREASY, and GINORMOUS, I really don't know what is in the food I'm eating. I've worked in enough restaurants to know that some crazy stuff happens and you can never trust that your specific request makes it from the server to the chef and then onto your plate.

It doesn't get greasier, saltier and more ginormous than the pizza I ate at Antonios in Amerherst, MA after I competed that day!

You'll love this. When I was in college, I worked in a little restaurant on the corner of Broadway and Bleecker Street in Greenwich Village. It was a little cafe with good sandwiches and killer breakfasts. (My favorite post-shift meal was a plate of cinnamon apple walnut pancakes. As you might have guessed, I was a bit chunky back then.) Anyway, let's just say that the owners didn't allow much waste. If a plate came back to the kitchen with butter still left in the little souffle cup, we had to scoop that butter out into a big metal vat where the cook "repurposed" it to grease the grill. Yummy!!!!

I know that this is not the norm and that most? many? kitchens are impeccably clean but still - chefs have a PROBLEM following directions. No matter how desperately I plead with my server to bring me a chicken breast with NOTHING ON IT, those damn chefs just can not do it. It just rankles their chef chains, defies their moral chef code, presses their chef-grade oven buttons.

You know how you can never trust a chef to give you every single ingredient in her famous career-making chocolate souffle? That she'll inevitably leave out that special soupcon of 100 year old brandy she adds in so that yours will NEVER taste quite as good? Well, likewise you can never believe that she hasn't buttered/oiled or in some way lubed up a perfectly lean piece of protein with unnecessary fat and salt.

This is what it comes down to kids: chefs don't like their food naked.

And I do. Goshdarnit. I like to eat my food naked. And there you have it folks.

How about you? Do you like your food naked?

Gotta Get Big to Look Small!!

2012-01-12T19:17:00.000-08:00

Here is a bit of a factoid that I never knew until I started competing as a natural lightweight bodybuilder:

The leaner you are, the more muscular you appear.

It's a bit of a paradox if you think about it -- that most of us, with the exception of a few lucky genetic freaks, have to become smaller - get leaner that is, to look bigger (or more "defined" as many women will put it.)

But here's the thing, you've got to put some muscle on your bones in the first place, and then, when you eat clean and do cardio to lean out, those lovely buggers just POP up in the most flattering of ways - as nice round shoulder caps, a wide and high chest wall and broad defined back, helping to give the appearance of a tiny little waist. Then of course there are the noticeable cuts in the biceps and TRICEPS like diamonds!! Washboard abs, pretty and powerful quad sweeps, high and lifted gluts and no jiggle on the backs of the legs.

I know I've got your attention now!!

Another thing I've noticed is that women from all walks of life - and I don't mean fellow physique competitors - but women I meet at the office, the gym, the mall and the supermarket love the athletic, ultra-lean, muscular look. Think Jessica Biel, Kelly Ripa, Demi Moore, Halle Berry or Gwyneth Paltrow (although I swear I know tons of women who look even more fabulous - really!)

In the weeks right before a show, when I look like this picture on the left, women will frequently come up to me and ask me any variation on these three questions:

How did you get those arms?
How can I look like you - not too bulky but toned? You must do a lot of yoga right?

One the one hand of course, I'm highly flattered. (And considering I diet for most of a year to get there, I'll take any compliment I can get in the fleeting amount of time I maintain my super-freak lean status.)

On the other hand, I get a bit cranky. A YEAR'S WORTH OF DEAD LIFTS, SQUATS AND BENCH PRESSES -- and I still look like a waify yogini. GRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's fine really -- a real big piece of this is tied to a complete misunderstanding of what natural women bodybuilding is, what we look like (especially a light weight competitor), and what we do to get there.

And just so you know, I also started out with a similar mindset! Although I've always loved the aesthetic of muscular women, I didn't think I had what it takes to compete as a body builder. Those girls (so I thought) were BIG. So, I competed in figure -where the girls generally have a bit less muscle and are not quite as lean as body builders. Then, the epiphany -- in 2010 at Nancy Andrew's WNBF pro show, I got my first look at professional natural women's bodybuilding on stage -- and I was blown away.

The lean, defined lines, the power, the grace, the strength and the gorgeous well proportioned muscles.

I couldn't believe I'd never seen this before!! From that moment, I said - I can do this!!!

And I have. And I do. And I have a lot of work to do. But I also now have a mission to introduce the world of natural bodybuilding to the world at large!!

And to keep letting women know that weight-lifting is not just a masculine endeavor, a way to get big, bulk up, hulk up, put weight on, grow grow grow!!! Because these are not good things to a woman. Now I don't know about you, but the only time the women I know want to hear the word "grow" and their name in the same sentence is when discussing bank accounts, hair, nails and the third trimester of pregnancy.

You will not "GET BIG" by weightlifting. Trust me. I was leaner and looked bigger for my Fall 2011 shows but here is what I looked like in June of 2011, after 5 months of dieting and slinging the iron as heavy and as hard as I could!!

Total beast right?

We are not built to get big -- me and every figure and bodybuilder girlfriend I know are all trying to gain muscle, and it is a slow, long, slogging process. Akin to counting the shreds of wheat in a bowl of shredded wheat. (Which my husband swears I'd do if necessary to accurately weigh and measure a bowl. But I digress)

And why do we all want to gain muscle? Well, we want to win shows BUT we also want to look more defined, toned, sleek, cut, ripped, shredded, curvy, lifted, athletic, in-shape, well proportioned, lean, in-shape, fit, (fill in your adjective here).

And yes, you can make your arms look smaller, get rid of the flab on the backs of your arms, reduce your waist, lift your saggy butt and trim your chunky thighs by lifting weights and then getting lean. Yes!! Yes!! Yes!!

Ladies -- live the paradox -- you want to look smaller? Get your muscles bigger!!

You'll have to clean up your diet and do your cardio too but it is possible for you to be strong, svelte and smokin!!

A Believer in a No-Regrets Life

2012-01-10T20:37:00.000-08:00

I started a course yesterday called, "One Month to Live, Thirty Days to a No-Regrets Life."

Yes, they had me at "no-regrets."

It's a bit weird for me and completely out of my comfort zone since I've come to realize that the book and course are Christian-based. Written by Kerry and Chris Shook, a married couple who started their own church called Fellowship of the Woodlands,and not surprisingly therefore, the book weaves Biblical references into the chapters. (See www.onemonthtolive.com).

I probably should have put two and two together since I bought the book and am taking the course through our local church.

And mind you, I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with Christian self-help books referencing the Bible -- but it's really just not my thing.

Which explains why these were my opening words to introduce myself to the group of five other women, "My name is Kathleen and I may not be in the right place."

Here's what I said later in the class about how I wasn't a believer (I suppose I sounded defensive even though no one was pressing one bit): "I don't care what others believe. But I do care about how I am treated. And how I treat others. And that matters a lot more than what I tell you I believe or you tell me you believe."

I have a feeling that I might be on some prayer lists this week.

But outside of the discomfort for me in how some of the metaphors are made in this book, there is some really good stuff in here. The first chapter has an exercise you can do right now. You are not supposed to think too long, just answer quickly --

If you knew you were going to die in thirty days name five things in your life you would change:

I don't know about you, here are some of the "goals" that run incessantly through my head, like:

Win WNBF bodybuilding pro card
Get boob job
Achieve single digit body fat (thus the boob job)
Get a promotion
Make more money (thus the promotion)

Funny how not one of them made the cut. These are undoubtedly small time goals people. We are talking life being over. Saying good bye to my kids, my husband, my brothers and sisters, mother and father.

My new and improved thirty days to go list looked like this:

Make peace with my body
Give as much of myself in body mind and spirit as possible to my husband and two sons
Forgive who I need to, ask for forgiveness where I need to, and live my final days with no regrets or remorse
Enjoy food in a healthy joyous way
Soak up and reflect back to others as much happiness as I can muster from every pore of me
Laugh till I'm silly

Can I get an Amen?

Make Today That Tomorrow you Keep Talking About

2012-01-07T18:25:00.000-08:00

I think in full blog posts. I go out for a run. The perfect opening sentence for a blog pops into my head. I ride the spin bike. Ah - yes, I MUST write about that conversation today with my son - I know so many moms who will so relate to this. Sometimes I even wake up with fully written paragraphs at my fingertips.

And what do I do about it? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Sound familiar?

The road to hell is most definitely paved with good intentions. That was a poster hanging in my first grade classroom. Pretty intense for first grade but I guess that's why I've never forgotten it.

I know so many men and women who are doing just what I do with my weak, vague blog promises with respect to their diet and exercise plans.

Let's see if any of these sound familiar?

I'll start tomorrow. Extra cheese? Yes. Please.

I'm RESEARCHING right now. I want the PERFECT program to start.

I need the right clothes!! (woman's version)

I need the right equipment (men's version)

I need to lose a few pounds and THEN I'll go to the gym in my new clothes/equipment

I need to lose a few pounds and THEN I'll start Weight Watchers - you don't think I can actually get on the scale NOW do you?

I ordered my Zooboo Mafu Mofo Shake Shake Shake drink and don't eat your food high tech meal system for $299 upfront and $59 per month autopay, and I'm just WAITING for it to get here.

Today just doesn't feel right. But Tomorrow. Yup. Definitely tomorrow.

I've used everyone of these excuses.

So believe me - no maliciousness intended here.

And, as I am confessing in this post -- I am a lame ass with committing to my writing. Even though I care about it. Even though I feel really good while I do it and even better after it's done. Even though I really really want to be a writer.

Then why why why don't I commit to write and just DO IT?

Here are some of my thoughts for me and my struggle to commit to writing:

I get lazy. I don't prioritize. Time slips away. Oh damn. Bedtime.

It hurts sometimes. It makes me have to turn off the TV. And that really hurts sometimes.

I have to meet myself where I am, which some days, is completely uninspired, with flabby writing muscles, bad technique and ideas that don't fit past my ankles.

And then I have to actually do it, while others are watching and reading and maybe even judging me with my too-tight Lulelemons and misplaced modifiers.

And then, then, the real kiss of death. I look at others. And their work. And I compare and I contrast. And I DESPAIR.

And I say SCREW THIS. I don't need to do this. Who gives a bleep? And I rationalize how I don't have time to write. And how everyone else does. I say to myself: She has all the time in the world to produce her writing. She is a stay- at-home mother. She works from home. She has a trust fund. And my favorite: she doesn't workout as hard as I do.

And then I get petty and mean-spirited which leads to the real mama creativity killer - GUILT!!

Then I go to bed. Swear I'll start tomorrow. Wake up. Repeat.

I'll admit, it is more than vaguely embarassing but also liberating for me to share my lame excuses with you. I have no answers tonight for you or me on how to commit and act on that commitment. Maybe the pain sometimes has to get bad enough. Maybe just writing down or sharing with a friend your self defeating thoughts strips them of their power and enables action.

Try tomorrow. Just one baby step even. I will too. Deal?

t

Angry, Hungry and Focused - Now What?

2011-11-26T05:00:00.001-08:00

Yesterday morning my son Brendan approached me with one of his comic drawings. A man striped with sections of green blue yellow and red. "Mom, this is my Angry Man. Show me where you belong on his Angro-meter."

OK..... Woah...... I thought to myself - from the mouth of babes.

I played along. After all this was quite the penetrating question. And therefore, deserved an astute response.

So, needless to say, I lied. Just like the time he insisted I explain exactly how the seed got planted inside the Mommy's belly...... I mean, come one, he's seven for God's sake.

I pointed to the green striped zone of his little guy, "Here buddy, this is where I fall on your Angro-meter.... You see, I'm not angry at all." Brendan seemed to buy it and moved on to drawing his next work of art.

On a certain level, this should be the answer. What, after all, do I have to be angry about? I have so much in my life that is perfect -- my health, my kid's health, a beautiful home, a supportive husband, a good job.

And yet.... And yet.....

There is so much I have kept under cover. Kori Propst from Team K got me thinking real hard the other day, when she suggested that the rigors of dieting for a bodybuilding show could be an avoidance tactic. Which I interpret as a mechanism to try and grasp onto control when control is slipping elsewhere.

So, let's back up the tape a few years.

I started my first competition prep in 2007 at a time when I was working a job I absolutely despised. It was truly one of the worst times in my life. Truly a terrible fit -- wrong people, wrong culture, and the worst boss I've ever had. Each and every day was a struggle. And I was undoubtedly functioning in the raging red zone of my son's Angro-meter. Mostly, I was raging at myself. For the "mistakes" I had made to get myself into this bad situation.

And so I started slingin' iron -- heavier and heavier. I also started dieting -- progressively more and more stringent. I set my sights on my first bodybuilding show. With this goal in mind, it didn't matter so much that I had no friends at work or in the new town where we now lived. Hell, no friends to interfere with my training schedule - perfect! No one tempting me with dinners out and glasses of wine. What could be better?

Well -- here it is, four years, three jobs, two towns and ten bodybuilding shows later. And, I am asking myself --- what do I want right now and maybe even more important, what do I need right now?

Here is what sounds about right ---a glass of wine and some laughs with a girlfriend, maybe some dark chocolate to finish off a perfect night. A nice dinner and mu out with my husband Mark. Impromptou fires in the backyard with homemade chocolate chip cookies (that I eat) and home brewed limoncello (that I drink) brought by neighbors. A last minute stop with the family for dinner at the local Mexican - where I actually eat off the menu instead of from smuggled in tupperware or ziplock bags.

It's not, really, you see, about the food. And the drink. It's about the eating and the drinking in communion with others. It's about building friendships and investing time in them. It's about being more present in my family life. Like, really being there instead of sitting on my hands (literally) to keep my fingers off of their plates.

Things are much better in my personal life. The bad job with the mean people is a distant blip on the radar (still pinging faintly though, I heal slowly).

I have choices. I am trying to remind myself that I have choices.

I know that I can eat drink and be merry in moderation, through the end of 2011 and drop it with everyone else come January 1 to diet for June bodybuilding shows. Or, I can skip the 2012 spring/summer season and enjoy myself a bit longer. This option makes a lot of sense and is the way I'm leaning.

I'm just afraid that if I take a break from this crazy sport of bodybuilding, that I might not go back at all.

That's my guilty admission of the day - and one that frankly, no lie, I'm not sure where it puts me on the Angro-meter.

I am Grateful for: My Struggles?

2011-11-23T19:04:00.000-08:00

Two and 1/2 weeks ago I was flying high. On my way to a win of the Lightweight Class at the INBF Monster Mash Bodybuilding competition held in Marlborough, MA by promoter Nancy Andrews. If I do say so myself, I won a STRONG class. And a BIG class. Just the way I wanted it, thank you very much. And then, I lost the overall and the coveted pro card, to my friend - an awesome competitor, heavyweight champ, Erin Duggan. She deserved it. I've been a fan of hers for at least a year and was honored to share the stage with her.

And so, except for the "not winning" the overall and getting my pro card, my day went as planned. And you know, what? I'm glad I didn't win. I like things to be hard. I like to be pushed to my limit. I like it that natural women's bodybuilding seems to be growing from a few years back. At least it seems that way to me. I know that I could go and win some small little show somewhere, but then you know what? Once I win, I've got to get on stage with the pros -- the big jacked up girls in the heavyweight class and the freaky shredded girls in the lightweight class -- and when I stand up there with the WNBF PROS, I want to look like i belong there.

My mama didn't raise no fool. I'm ready to wait my turn, and to put in my time and pay my dues...........

Or, am I? (Insert dramatic cliff hanger music here).

This sport is a hard hard one. Brutal to be honest. It's hard when I am "in season" because of the many sacrifices I make.

Glass of wine? No thanks - all set with my gallon jug of water more than vaguely resembling days old urine (lime flavored xTEND Bcaa's thank you very much).

Pizza with the family Friday night? Nah, I'm good with my grilled chicken and an egg white chaser. Yumm!

Cookie swap with the Mom's Club? No, I'm all set with a scoop of whey drizzled with water, and mashed with 56 grams of blueberries.

You get the point. As a bodybuilder, I learn to say NO to what the "general population" (love that term) does.

And, I learn to say YES to a hell of a lot of other things.

Yes, I plan/cook/travel with all of my own food. Yes, I weigh/ measure/ and faithfully notate my food each and every day. Yes, I chart my weight, log my training and my cardio. You bet I snap my photos, email my coach, and await feedback. You better believe I do as I'm told. And then, after all, since I am a girl, I talk about all of this. I text my friends. I kvetch, I cry and I laugh with them. I attend my weekly posing class. I practice my posing. (You'll never see me shake with lack of conditioning on stage thank you very much!) I choreograph my posing routine. And on and on and on the list of work to be done in order to compete goes.

It. Is. A. Complete. And. Utter. Obsession.

And, then. Shows happen!! You win! You place!! You don't win!! You don't place!! I've done all of the above......... You assess your season/ your progress and then, move on into the dreaded --

OFF SEASON

That enormous wasteland of space and time in which I now reside.

My tan has faded. My diet has loosened. Sadly, everything else, including my butt, thighs and waistband have loosened too..... Yes, I am a bit of a mess.

For one, I don't know how to log the pot roast I ate for dinner tonight. I can't find it in fitday.com. I don't even know what you call that cut of meat or what percentage of fat content it contained. I hate ambiguity damn it.

Second, I feel rolls of fat on my body where there used to be - muscle? bone? The space that is no more? I'm not sure what wasn't there once that now is - but I do know that I want what wasn't there before back. Clear?

And twenty third, I am rediscovering the taste of food, the texture of stuff on my food, crunchiness, juiciness, creaminess, of fat, of sauces, of BACON.

And seventy fourth, the gorgeous bold and deep flavor of red wine. No more to say.

And now - what? WHAT? What do I do with this cornucopia of food choices? What do I do with a training regime that I really want to take a break from but am afraid to do so? What do I do about this crazy urge to run, longer and longer distances lately?

What do I do about the pretty little blue velvet posing suit still hanging on a hook on the back of my bathroom door?

Even if I had them, the answers to these questions are more than I can emotionally navigate, or even pretend to write about tonight.

I gotta tell you though -- this off-season struggle stuff is the juicy center of the donut goo that I think you want to read about.

Who needs all of those righteous people telling you the "right"way to do things?

You know what I really hate on facebook? Those righteous trainers and coaches who post stuff making fun of other people doing their diets or exercises "wrong." Sometimes even posting pictures of said offenders. Or, one post I've never forgotten -- someone making fun of the poor girl at the Dunkin Donuts drive through with her "eight dollar per hour job." I hate that righteousness.

I'd rather be a hot mess any day of the week. Or, at a minimum, read the writings/rantings of one....

I'll end with this -- in bodybuilding shows, we have different classes of competitors, including the Novice Class. In order to compete as a novice, you can never have won a show.

Well, I consider myself to be a first time novice competitor in the land o' blogs, and even thought I've done 10 shows, I'm still a novice at figuring out this off-season rigamarole. And you know what? It feels good to give myself permission to just eat, try to train, try to build in a bit of rest, make time to write, to vent, to fall on my face, to get up and run, long, long runs, and to learn from all of you - my friends.

Mo to come fo sho.

G'night.

How I Avoided A Binge (Warning: This Contains a RANT, AN INCESSANT RANT)

2011-06-20T19:13:00.000-07:00

Dear friends -- I've had a tough night of crazy cravings. I have been dieting since February. I competed in a show on June 4. It was my first bodybuilding show which means I dieted harder and longer than I'd done before as a figure competitor. I am ALMOST there with a show coming up in 5 days -- June 25 in Amherst, MA. It's too late to screw anything up. I'm not hungry. I'm really not. I just want something sweet to eat. I went to the cupboards a couple of times tonight - a pinky full of peanut butter each time. Then, I went to the freezer. Three teaspoons of ice cream. Definitely in a DANGER ZONE. But I backed away. I put the carton back and all is well. Trouble averted. A few carbs damage at most. To divert my crazy mind, I started writing.

Well, actually I started writing the paragraphs that follow. This paragraph here, the introduction if you will, I wrote at the end to try and bring some coherence into the craziness of what it feels like to really really want to eat something you know you shouldn't. Maybe you know what I mean?

And because I know some of you will know what I'm talking about, I'm posting this on my blog to share with you. As living proof that it is possible to stop the craziness. Yes, even midstream. You need something to go towards though. To redirect the crazy energy and intentions. A journal. A punching bag. A cup of tea. A good cry. A little boys hug or a husband's hand.

No matter what it is. You. Just. Drop. The. Food. Walk. Away. Do. Something. Else.

Just do Something else.

So here it is. A crazy rant of anger, frustration, and a deep desire to binge. I'm grateful for this rant. Much better a writing rant than an eating binge.

I want food. Right now. Not just any food but a carb. A beautiful sweet chewy carb. Anything really. Greek yogurt with berries. A big bowl of oats. A candy bar might hit the spot. Fine, a protein bar. See, I'm a woman of reason.

This day sucked. It doesn't matter if it was absolutely picture perfect outside. Inside (my head that is) it was STORMING all day.

Yeah, I"m in a bad mood.

Serotonin anyone?

Carbs anyone?

And you know what I keep thinking about while feeling so crappy? There is no end in sight!! It's true. Really. If I'm competing this Fall, my diet starts right back up again in July.

At least I'll have this Saturday night. At about 10 o'clock........ I can't tell you how I'm going to do this Saturday. I can't say how I'll peak, how I'll feel or how I'll fare with my competition and the judging. But I can tell you this -- I will be eating pizza, chocolate (dark, dark, dark) chocolate, and drinking red wine.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

Screw the third person. Why do I do this to myself???

What am I trying to prove?

Yeah - I"m a superior human being because I can withstand the physical pangs of hunger, vicious food cravings and life as a social mutant outcast from all parties and group gatherings involving food, drink and carbohydrate-infused laughter and joy?

For what?

Ten minutes on stage where I stand saying "pick me, pick me, pretty pretty please, pick me." I want to be the winner. The superior human being who gets the big ugly trophy. Who gets her picture taken with the big ugly trophy and gets to post it as her Facebook profile picture. And then gets to read all of the emails of congratulations about her and the big ugly trophy. And, I get to double my friends list in like a day with all those creepy guys who stalk bodybuilding women and fellow possible competitors who want to check out my photos to size me up for future shows. And, I get to feel totally super cool because not only do i have more friends than you, I also have a mind-blowing amount of self-discipline that you could only dream of having and oh yeah, did I mention that I get to wear whatever I want in a SIZE ZERO???

Yeah, the size zero part I'll admit is pretty cool.

But this sucks. And it's hard.

And my workout sucked tonight because I had no energy to hit it hard which made me feel worse. Usually my workouts clear my head and make me feel better. But I"m pissed. Because I know I'm losing muscle in my upper body just so that I can get leaner in my lower. It's a "symmetry" problem as ahem, we say in the bodybuilding biz. And without the lovely pleasure of drugs to help me maintain my mass while leaning out, this is the battle a natural bodybuilding competitor faces. And it just kills me to think about all those months in the gym, pulling dead-lifts and dumbell rows, and pull ups and lat pull downs and more pull ups and more deads to get a nice wide swath of a back and V-taper and now, in what seemed like it happened over night. it's gone. Skinny back. No more wings. Bye bye lats. You flew away. Freed of the shackles of my body.

Hell, I'd leave it too if I could.

My friend who is competing Saturday keeps saying how she feels skinny fat. I totally know what she means. It's something that I think happens to the muscles/skin when you've been depleting for a while. You look a little saggy. And you feel a little haggy. Nothing (we hope anyway) that a few carb ups strategically placed during show week won't fix. Plus, there's nothing worse for someone as albino white as me to go from the lovely contoured complexion of an evenly fading spray tan to the whiteness that is me. My muscles get completely washed out by the extreme whiteness that is me.

So there you have it.

I'm an angry, raging, albino fat skinny saggy hag jonesing for a hunk of chocolate.

But even so. I"m holding out. Because. I. CAN. DO. THIS!!!

Struggling to Stay On Track

2011-04-02T19:40:00.000-07:00

Man -- it's been a hard hard few weeks. Physically, mentally, schedule-wise - it has been tough. I'm not even 100% sure that I'm still on for my June 4 show. I may have a work commitment June 1, 2 and 3 that puts me in Colorado Springs. I can probably make it back home to the East coast late Friday evening and hop on stage Saturday morning but I don't think I can be show-ready and really on top of my game on a schedule like that.

Or maybe I'm just looking for an out. I'm not sure at this point.

I went to the doc this week and had a couple of basic tests run to see whether there is any explanation for my recent fatigue and lethargy. It's just so not like me. Like right now, I'm supposed to be riding the exercise bike watching DVR'd Celtics games but instead I'm procrastinating by writing this blog. It has become an act of sheer will power to workout. (Although I did pull 8 x 185 on my deadlifts today, standing on a riser to increase the stretch, which is pretty good since I do lots and lots of high rep and high set stuff these days -- that was set 8 or 9 I believe).

But back to my kvetching. I took off 3 days this week - in part due to an insane work schedule and my husband being out of town so I had 100% mom duty plus 100% corporate slave duty but also because the late night time when I would usually go to my basement to get the workout done was just out of the question. Overall, I feel like someone emptied the gas out of my tank. And the oil too. And threw the keys into the mud which I'm wading in right now......Blah blah......in the scheme of things none of it matters, I know --- but I can't afford these days off when I'm pushing it for a show!!! For a weight class!!!

That's the physical side. On the mental side, the pressure is tough!! I have a schedule for getting lean and apparently my body has decided to set its own different timetable. I feel like I'm going crazy. I diet like a crazy women and find the scale going up instead of down. I wish I could tell you that I was cheating so at least I'd be enjoying more food as the scale goes up. Like my husband he put on 2 pounds this week because he was in LA all week and he drank beer every night, had hamburgers and ice cream and good yummy stuff that makes you say, hey sometimes 2 pounds is worth it!! But me? I've put on 3 pounds eating egg whites, and grilled chicken and salad EVERY SINGLE DAY and the craziest dessert I get is a ricecake with 16 g's of peanutbutter. You try weighing every morsel you put into your mouth and watching your weight go up instead of down. It's enough to make a girl eat!

Which I did. On Thursday, as I left the doctor's office this week, I'd convinced myself that I had some form of cancer and that I was going to die. So, I had 3 (OK 3 1/2) glasses of wine that night and some chocolate. Technically, of course I'm contradicting myself from paragraph above - because yes, I have cheated --- but the scale had already gone inexplicably up for weeks and I figured if I'm going to die, I might as well die fat, and enjoy my beloved wine and chocolate.

UGH!!!!!

I need to practice my posing. I need to order my suits. I need to know what show I'm doing!!! And most of all, I need for my body to start responding again to my diet and training!! Well, more than training/dieting, I guess I really need to get my test results and see if something is up -- anemia, hypothyroidism, some low grade infection maybe. It's a bummer not looking forward to my workouts like I usually do. It's a bummer dragging ass even though I know I'm getting plenty of sleep. It's definitely making me cranky and anxious and a bit bummed out.

Oh yeah, and on top of all that, the dreamy 25 year old at the gym (also known between my husband and I as "my boyfriend") showed up with a gorgeous little 25 year old today. I knew it was inevitable that he'd lose interest in me -- well, with me being married and all (plus the fact that we've never spoken so he might find our relationship a bit, ahem, unfulfilling) but at least miss little thang could have had some muscle on her, maybe even just a teeny bit of muscle -- considering my "boyfriend" is built like a friggin' superhero. Anyway........

OK to sum things up: I suck, my diet sucks, my training sucks, my work schedule sucks, my stress level sucks, my weight sucks. This blog post undoubtedly sucks big time.

Yeah, I bet you wish you were hanging out with me right now, right? I'm a ball of laughs.

Stick around though. I'll work it out. I promise.

Recipe for a Perfect Power Breakfast

2011-03-26T08:33:00.000-07:00

An Ode to Breakfast

I love breakfast!! It is by far my favorite meal of the day and below I include a recipe for one of my absolute favorite breakfasts which just so happens to contain a perfect blend of protein, carbs and fat. Your body needs all three of these maconutrients upon waking. Protein to ensure you body doesn't start feasting off of its own muscle after a fast of 10 to 12 hours depending on when you last ate the night before; carbs to kick start your metabolism and provide both your body and brain with much-needed energy, and fat to dampen the gylcemic index of your food and most importantly, for satiety -- fat helps to make you feel full. I eat this breakfast all the way through my diet for a bodybuilding competition -- even when carbs are so precious that unless you are as insulin-sensitive as I am (and I sure hope you aren't), you have no just idea how precious.

Believe in the Whey

You'll see that part of how this breakfast packs such a powerful protein punch is through mixing in whey protein powder - any flavor or even no flavor works too. I make this for my kids and they have no idea they are getting the extra protein. I know that a lot of women I speak with are really freaked out about using whey. I sense this is attributable to two unfounded fears: 1) they view whey as a "waste of calories,"and 2) that upon use, muscles will start popping out of their eyeballs. Please rest assured that no muscles pop anywhere on any of us without consistent weight training and good clean eating, and whey really is an inexpensive, highly nutritious way to sneak some more protein into your own and your kids diets.

Carb Timing

Even if you're sweating it out like me, hard-knuckling it with a low-carb diet, keep in mind that carbs are best at 2 times during the day: before your workout (and ideally afterwards too if you're trying to grow) and in the morning with your breakfast. Self-prescribed no-carb or ketogenic diets are a disaster waiting to happen (can you say gain the weight back real quick and then some???!!) So be sure to get at a minimum, some strategically-timed carbs in your body and enjoy!!

Recipe: Low Carb/High Protein French Toast Topped with Sweet Ricotta (1serving)

2 slices light bread -- (Ezekiel bread for those of you who refuse anything else but it won't be as low carb)

1 egg (you can use just the white if you're fat is super low but 1 egg is a REALLY good source of saturated fat)

1.5 oz skim milk (or almond/soy, etc.)

cinnamon/nutmeg or any other spices you'd like to sprinkle in

1/2 scoop of whey - flavor of your choice -- I use chocolate -- you can't really tasted so much as it coats the french toast nicely.

Sweet Ricotta Topping

2 oz no-fat ricotta cheese (Calabros has the best taste and macros if you can find it -- 1 carb per serving and so delic!)

Sweetener of your choice -- stevia, equal, etc.

1 oz pumpkin or other fruit of your choice - (I like pumpkin b/c it is so low-carb -- if canned NOT pie mix, actual pumpkin only)

4 grams of walnuts (optional -- awesome for health but cut if you're low on fat)

For French Toast: Mix the egg, milk, whey and spices in a bowl, dip your bread into the mix on both sides and cook on a warmed skittle/pan until golden brown on both sides. I usually have extra batter in my bowl which I throw into the pan after my french toast is cooked and it gives you a nice thin eggy crepe to throw on top of your cooked french toast

Mix Ingredients together for Sweet Ricotta Topping -- and I personally like to warm the ricotta up either on top of the french toast in the pan or for 30 seconds in the microwave.

Scoop your ricotta on your french toast. Sprinkle with a bit of nutmeg. If you use syrup or low-sugar syrup add a moderate amount and enjoy!!

Macros (exactly as I have recipe with whole egg and walnuts: Calories: 289. Protein: 30.6. Carbs: 25. Fat: 9.5

Other options for this include using no-fat Greek yogurt instead of ricotta.

If you are not a competitor -- or you are a competitor in a growth phase, you can increase the macros and calories by adding another slice or two of bread, using low fat or full fat dairy products, and/or adding extra eggs, milk, fruit and ricotta. Enjoy!!

Sometimes Life Sucks: So What, Dig Deep and Get it Done Anyway!

2011-03-18T17:46:00.000-07:00

I'll chalk it up to a two week period of very low carbs but yesterday was just a terrible day for me. I felt lousy, weak, irritable, bored, discontent, sad, neglected, misunderstood, and mad mad MAD at the world. I would have to say that this was by far the hardest single day I've had in any of my three seasons of show preps so far. So how did I handle it? How about I skip the blowout with my husband yesterday morning and provide you with the edited version:

Well, late into the afternoon I forced myself to go to the gym for 30 minutes of cardio. This was hard because I really didn't have a lot of fuel in me but I did it. As I knew it would even though my energy level was low, I felt better afterwards -- I would have to say my mind benefitted the most from breathing heavy, pushing through and working up a sweat. Plus, I never underestimate the power of endorphins. As my mind meandered, I thought of ways that I push through hard times and I thought I'd post the top ten:

Ten Ways I Dig Deep

1. Lie -- I play tricks on my mind to get everything I need to get done. I do this ALL the time to complete cardio. I tell myself I only have to do 15 minutes but I KNOW I'll do at least 30. For me the hardest part of anything I do is getting started. You can do this with anything -- cleaning out your closet for just 15 minutes, sticking to your diet for just this meal, etc.

2. Edit my mind tapes. I ignore the inner recording telling me I can't do it and I go into power drive. I push myself harder than I think I'm capable of -- 5 more minutes on the treadmill, 1 more plate on the barbell, one more rep on that high rep set. We can almost always override the mind's limitations. We build resilience and inner-strength with this practice.

3. Stop making it easy to fail -- there is really no reason that I have to scoop out my kids' ice cream when the carbs in their little bowls are the equivalent to what I get to eat in one day. When my resistance is super low, I stay away from what's hard to resist -- in the form of people, places and things.

4. Take the focus off me and put it on someone else. Write your friend a workout plan, offer to go for a walk with them, bring in the groceries, make them tea or give them a hug.

5. Get real and brutally honest with my self -- for example, it's amazing how much better I feel when I actually write down ALL of my food not just what I'd like to admit to having eaten. Who am I lying to anyway but myself right?

6. Ask for help! Novel idea, right? Tell your partner you can't do it on your own anymore, you need a hand, you're having a hard day, you need a break, etc....... Sometimes that's all it takes.

7. Recite this mantra: "This too shall pass.".........Sometimes I say it over and over in my head a million times,saying it out loud can be even more powerful -- and you know something, it works. And it's true.

8. Go to bed. I find this especially helpful when number 7 isn't working anymore. And the interesting part is that I often realize the next morning that half of my struggle was due to being sleep deprived. It's easy to confuse hunger and fatigue - so keep this in mind.

9. Commit an act of random kindness - and do it anonymously. This is a bit of a variation on number 4 above. You'll be amazed how good you feel walking around with that secret of helping someone else without them knowing it!

10 Reward yourself now !! Make it tangible and follow through on your promise or else this won't work in the future!! Get a mani/pedi, download a new iTunes download, take a bubble bath, whatever makes you happy!

Postscript: I woke up one pound lighter this morning -- a crucial step as I continue to lean out for my first bodybuilding show. Deep down yesterday I knew my body was preparing for a drop and the fact that I got through a really really hard day means a lot to me.

Now I just need to go and make up with my husband......

Dieting Sucks But it's Better than Prison

2011-03-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

I've been punishing myself through my blog. Or lack of blogging. Weird, huh? I think so. I've been struggling with seeing results as I prep for my next bodybuilding competition. More accurately, I've been struggling precisely because I have NOT been seeing the results I expect.

Have you ever worked really really hard at something and just not achieved what you were seeking out of all of that hard work? Well, that's where I've been for the last couple of weeks. I'm writing tonight (FINALLY) because I was so moved by a movie I just finished watching 5 minutes ago. And it woke me up a bit. I really recommend it - (both waking up and watching this film).

The movie is called The Dhamma Brothers and it's a documentary about the impact that an intense form of meditation known as Vipassana has on a group of prisoners. We watch these violent men, some of whom are locked away for life, work with this meditation practice to acknowledge the terrible crimes they've committed and their life-long feelings of anger, hopelessness and deep deep pain. We watch them learn how to breathe, how to feel and how to cope -- even just a tiny bit. All within the confines of a maximum security violent prison. Quite moving. No big pay-offs or dramas of the week, mind you, just a slow, sometimes awkward discovering by these men of their humanity and that of their fellow man.

We watch as the Vipassana program which has so obviously benefitted prisoners is literally banned in the prison because some bible-thumpers fear that Buddhism is running rampant. And still, even in the face of the ban, some men continue to sit (meditate) on their own. They even hold a weekly meeting under the auspice of something else in order to covertly meet with their fellow Vipassana pracitcioners. All this, while living out life sentences. Knowing they'll never get out of prison, still, they seek internal freedom.

And in contrast, my piddly little self-induced struggle with losing a few pounds as I go to bed hungry at night seems rather, well, inconsequential don't ya think?

And yet, this is my path right now. And I'm trying to learn about my self and Self as I go through this struggle. Here's how I'm trying to see this. I'm complaining that I have been engaged in a fruitless practice for weeks without results -- but you know what? I'm not always entitled to results. At least not results exactly when I want them and how I want them. Sometimes, some weeks, some (GOD NO!!) months you just have to plod away, do the work, and keep the faith. Some days it's just about one-daying-it-at-a-time. Sometimes I don't have the right to ask why or why not. I just gotta get her done. Do you plod away mindlessly forever? I think not. The vipassana practice is based in mindfulness. Observing your feelings as they arise to the surface. Working with your present circumstances -- breathing, living, feeling and doing what you do.

Each time I prepare for a show, I learn just that much more about myself. What I'm made of. Where my weak spots are. How I set my set myself up for success and even more apparently, for failure. I write it all down. I track my food. I track my training. I feel the hunger but even more so, I feel the cravings, many of them psychological -- for wine, for sweets, and most of all for the fun I associate with having those foods. I notice when I feel "superior" to others because of all of the above and also when I grapple with the true shadow side of that "superiority" -- self-doubt, shame and insecurity.

Pretty heavy huh? Especially for a bodybuilder -- and you thought you were going to get another recipe for grilled chicken tonight, didn't you?

So, the nitty gritty is that I'm trying to decide if I can stick with the rigors of my diet to compete as a bodybuilder. I've competed in six previous shows in figure and fitbody -- two classes that don't require you to be quite as lean and hard as bodybuilding does. That road will be just a tad easier for me. Still tough but I've done it before and know I can manage the road ahead.

But bodybuilding? I'm not sure. I'll admit. Part of me is trying to stick it out as a bodybuilder because I want to prove that I can take it. I"m tough enough, strong enough, more resilient than most. Prove to whom I'm not quite sure -- me, you, my 3rd grade teacher. That part is a bit fuzzy.

Well, no quick wrap ups for this blog post. Glad to be blogging again. I'll keep you posted about my decision. I know you will be waiting with bated breath...... Check out that movie, The Dhamma Brothers.

And think of me next time you take a bite of pizza and sip a glass of red. And don't forget to breathe.

Ten Tips to a High Octane Workout

2011-02-19T17:52:00.000-08:00

The other day I was walking by a personal trainer at the gym. This is what I heard her say, loudly, almost proudly to her client: "Oh my God, I haven't worked out in like 10 days!!"

Anyway.......Last week was a bit rough for me, including being sick, so it's been a few days since my last post. (And believe me, I'm not saying it loudly or proudly).

Here are ten ideas to ramp your workout up a bit, give your muscles a little shake up, and keep your mind in the game:

1) Here's one from my trainer Sean McCauley. http://www.perfectpeaking.com

Ab Superset 3 to 5 sets: Leg raises to failure -- superset with a plank -- hold to failure. I get impatient holding planks for 2 minutes plus so try what I do: adding a 10 or 25 pound plate onto your back while holding plank (be careful though!). It'll shred your lower abs nice and easy!

2) Jump Rope -- I used jumping rope as my main cardio workout for my last shows. It's killer --- great for the calves, awesome overall conditioning, efficient way to burn calories and you can really do it almost anywhere. Try doing 2 minute intervals between your weight training sets for a little conditioning fun, fun, fun!!

3) Pullups - everyone, everywhere should have these in your repertoire. They help build that beautiful v-taper we all covet and they are a killer core workout. Use the assistance machine or even better, strap a band around a pullup bar and stand in it for assistance. Stuck over at the assistance machine and not sure how to make your way to the big boy bar? Walk on over, head held high and get yourself up into the top of the pullup position (preferably get a cute boy to help you up if needed). Now work the negative -- coming down as slowly as you can to straight arms. These are also killer finishers for those of doing pullups!!

4) Ham Curls with a Physio ball: To know these is to, ahem, love to hate them. Lie on the ground in a bridge pose -- knees bent, feet flat on floor, keep hips high throughout. Bring the ball underneath your heels and move the ball to your gluts and back out to straight legs. Try 12 - 15 reps for 3 sets. This is a great way to finish off your hammies after some deads and leg curls.

5) Sprints: When is the last time you really ran fast? As fast as you could? There's something really liberating about it. Forget 30 minutes on the elliptical. Try this for some real fat burning: Sprint for 30 seconds. Recover for 1 to minutes by running lightly, trotting or it's really OK to walk for 1 to 2 minutes. Repeat 10 to 15 times. Remember, to sprint is relative. Push yourself and don't worry whether it's "fast" by any one's standards but your own. Believe me, this one makes us all gulp for air. Be sure to stretch after this.

6) Meditate. Yup. That's right. Start your workout off with 5 minutes of doing nothing. Sit in a corner turned away from all the busyness of the gym. Close your eyes. Take deep breaths in and out. Empty out the day from your mind. If you'd like, visualize yourself working at your highest potential, lifting heavier weight than you've done before. Continue to breathe, feel your body relax and up you go, focused and ready to be fit! Not feasible? Try mini-meditations. Use your rests between sets to visualize your next lift.

7) Pistol Squats: awesome unilateral leg workout. Balancing on your right foot/leg, bend your right knee and drop into a one-legged squat. Your left leg balances straight out in front of you. Your arms are out in front of you shoulder height for balance. Great way to warm your legs/gluts up for squatting. Develops balance and strength. These are hard - be humble and give it a try!!

8) Quad Superset/Leg Extensions & Bodyweight Squat at Wall: I love this one when I want to destroy my quads. Hit it hard on a set of leg extensions, go right to the wall, bend your knees, squat, hold. Watch your quads quiver. It's fun!!! 60 seconds is a good number. (hmmmm, can you tell I've got my mind focused on my lower body these days????). Repeat for 3 to 5 sets.

9) Get Conditioned. P90x is awesome. There are a lot of programs out there you can do. Try a conditioning class at your gym. Crossfit is cool. You can also make them up on your own. Anything goes. Here's a quick get-er-done routine:

jumprope 5 minutes

burpees x 10 (remember squat thrusts as a kid? They're back!!)

pushups x 60 seconds (move to girlie style if/when you need to to make 60 seconds)

mountain climbers x 60 seconds

crunches x 60 seconds

Complete this circuit 3 or 4 times. Wipe off and shower!

10) Try yoga. Your muscles will thank you. You'll sleep so much better if you bring yoga into your life. There is nothing better for weight trained muscles than the deep therapeutic lengthening stretches that yoga provides. I find that athletes often prefer more dynamic styles of yoga. Look for classes called ashtanga, vinyasa, flow, or if you want the heat cranked up, try hot, power or Bikram yoga.

You Cheated on Your Diet: Now What?

2011-02-15T16:03:00.000-08:00

The morning after. Ugh.. .... Yesterday you ate more than usual. This could have happened by design, like a planned cheat meal/day. Or, it might have just kind of happened: an impromptu fun night out to dinner and dessert with friends, or in the worst case, a binge by yourself in your kitchen.

So now what? Depending on what, how much and in what context you ate the night before -- your morning after experience can be very different. If yesterday was a re-feed -- a day of heavier carbs to re-fill the glycogen levels in your muscles -- you might spring out of bed with more energy than you've had since, well, your last re-feed. If on the other hand, you over-ate, or in the worst case, binged, you might feel like burying your head under your blankets to block out your anger or pain.

For me, since I weigh myself first thing in the morning everyday my first mental battle is the "will I or won't I weigh myself today?" internal debate. I know full well that any increase in carbs I made the night before will result in a minimum one pound weight gain that following morning. Sometimes even more. I know my body, I know my carb sensitivity and I also know that in reality I haven't gained any fat. Carbs attract water into the muscles and that extra pound is just that -- temporary water weight. But try telling that to any bodybuilder, or anyone really who's been working hard to stay on track on a diet. Numbers dropping on scale = good and rising = bad.

So, I try to talk myself out of getting on the scale. For what? So I can pretend that the number isn't what I know it's going to be? It's such a silly way to expand mental energy and I know it. It reminds me of how when I was in therapy, I would catch myself spinning or censoring what I would tell her. Sometimes my desire for results truly gets in the way of the very process I need to undertake to get there....

Some of you might be thinking, well, you are a bit obsessive about your weight. Not weighing yourself one day isn't really a big deal. But for me, it's not about what that number is. The key for me is accountability. I took actions last night -- in my case, a planned re-feed but especially if it was unplanned, now it is a new day, and I need to account for past actions. I don't need to beat myself up or nose dive into self-hatred or shame. No, for me, I just need to own it and accept any impact from it. I do this by reviewing my actions from the previous day mentally, spiritually and behaviorally. I ask myself what I learned and how I can apply this information next time. And I move on. New day. Clean slate. Tabula rasa.

When I was in my twenties and struggled with eating disorders, this was the critical step at which I failed over and over again. Each year of binge eating at college, I'd gain 20 or 25 pounds and go home each summer and lose it. Four years in a row, same process. Back then, I was struggling with many levels of pain and food was undoubtedly my drug to ease the pain.

I am so grateful for my recovery from that painful and pain-filled time in my life. I worked hard to get through it, grow, learn and become the person that I am today. I stay humble about this and recognize that my tendency is to want to look shiny and sparkly on the outside no matter how I feel on the inside. So, I set up my own internal checks and balances to make sure I don't let myself run away from my Self.

So, if any of what I write resonates with you, please know that you are not alone. You may just feel a bit crappy from too much wine and chocolate last night or you may be struggling to eat healthy and clean after a binge last night. Wherever you are on the spectrum, figure out one or two simple actions you can take immediately to wipe the slate clean and start anew. Do you need to sweat it out at the gym with an extra hard workout? Do you need to rant in your journal or to your best friend on the phone? Do you need to meditate, take a yoga class, get a massage, go for a walk, talk to yourself in your mirror, hug your kids, snuggle with your dog, cry really hard or laugh really loud? Think about it. And then do it. For you.

Peace in Food,

Kathleen.

Eat a Little, Love a Lot: Valentines Day Food Affair

2011-02-14T18:17:00.001-08:00

Happy Valentines Day. Oh food, I do so love you.

And this passionate love is never more palpable than when I am dieting for a show. Not being able to have something makes us want it all that much more, doesn't it? Even stuff we never really thought was all that special or great before we were dieting takes on a magical quality. (Perfect example -- ask any physique competitor: peanut butter. It used to be just a regular food to slab on a slice of bread from time to time. And now? Absolute ROCK STAR status).

It's kinda like this: have you ever fantasized about a love affair gone wrong, the "man who got away" and dreamed about what it would be like if you'd stayed together?

And THEN, have you ever had the opportunity (maybe through the magical powers of Facebook) to actually re-connect with your dream boy and realize pretty much INSTANTLY what a ridiculous notion this fantasy was in the first place? You realize -- geez, not only am I not attracted to this person AT ALL but I actually dislike them immensely!!???

Fantasy crushed!! (Yay!!! One for the home team - marriage!!)

Which brings me to the subject at hand -- treats. Valentines treats. Chocolates. Gummy bears. Valentines Day. Be Mine Sweetheart candy hearts. Rich decadent chocolate cake -- 2 forks, shared between you and your valentine between kisses and sips of red wine.

Nice. Necessary. The stuff you remember. Some experiences really are worth it, right?

Here are a few personal "worth it" foods for me:

Dark Chocolate in almost any iteration, with nuts, fruit, sea salt, plain and unfettered.... baby I'm yours. Forever. I may go away from time to time but even when I'm not carrying you close on my hips where you like to linger, you are ALWAYS deep in my heart.

Creme Brule -- I've never met one of you that I didn't love. From coffee shop to haute cuisine, you are my steady eddy. The dishes that hold you are never deep or wide enough to express my true love and desire for you

Chocolate Covered Strawberries -- I know that technically you may fit in the chocolate category above, but you are too special to be grouped with others. I respect you too much to lump you so thoughtlessly. I adore you. My sweet, sweet fruit of the earth valentine.

Warm blueberry pie with Vanilla Ice Cream and Fresh Whipped Cream -- the powerful boost of anti-oxidants combines with the sweetness gurgling of warm sugar and the richness of cream. Perfection reinvented. Americana, I love you.

So, let's make it count, right? If you are going to have one of your absolute-fav-to-die-for-desserts on a special occasion -- do it and enjoy it -- with no regrets!!

Have you heard about IBM's supercomputer named Watson? Watson was programmed for a couple of years with the clear intention of going head to head with Ken Jennings, the reigning world Jeopardy game-show champion. And guess what? Watson the computer kicked Ken's ass overall in Jeopardy. Duh!! This droid knew his stuff. Interesting though -- many of the questions Watson did get wrong were related to people and having a sense of humor

So, which would you rather be -- the human who flubs the occasional answer cause you either forgot the right answer, or hey --- you just don't know it because you called out sick to go to the beach that day? Or, would you like to be the humourless "winner" who never cracks a smile and definitely doesn't have a clue how to laugh. Most of all -- how to laugh at yourself.

So you get my point. All of us, every now and again, need to live a little.....Within reason.......So let's make it count. Have one of your absolute-fav-t0-die-for-desserts-because-tonight-is-special....Do it. And enjoy it. With no regrets.

Raising my glass and nibbling my chocolate to my husband, my kids, my friends and family. Love you all!

Enjoy. - Kathleen.

TGIF! Now, Let's Really Eat?

2011-02-12T20:36:00.000-08:00

Years ago a good friend of mine started following a popular diet at the time. I'm pretty sure it was Body for Life. Much of what he was doing on this diet was excellent. He began implementing healthy habits like eating several small meals each day consisting of fruits, vegetables and other wholesome foods. He began consistently exercising --sometimes pretty intensely, drinking water, cutting back on alcohol, sodas and juices.

There was only one problem. Every week this diet permitted him one "free day" to eat whatever he wanted. And this was not a good thing at all for someone like him. My friend, you see, was an extremist and took the "free day" concept to heart. Any craving he may have had Sunday to Friday was satisfied on Saturday. Ice cream? Yup. Chocolate chip cookies. You got it. Pop tarts-- hey why not, I did awesome all week. Cheeseburger, fries, a beer or three. Yes, yes, yes!

Well, as you might have guessed, my friend did not lose very much weight in the scheme of things. A few pounds maybe but not enough to satisfy him. He was frustrated with himself and with the diet plan because look, here he was following it -- and yet the scale wasn't moving.

Well, obviously you can tell by the framing of this post that going hog wild for most of us even if it is just one day a week usually works against our goals. (Putting aside freaky metabolisms that allow one to eat and eat and eat seemingly without repercussion -- though I'm pretty sure that person isn't reading this blog post anyway).

Let's use math as a way of thinking about this just for the sake of discussion. Let's say you are a moderately active woman weighing 130 pounds who estimates you need 1800 calories per day to maintain your weight. As part of your food plan, you reduce your daily calories by 300 to 1500 calories. You estimate that with exercising three days a week you will lose about 3/4 to one pound a week at least for the first month.

Now, let's say that you implement a Saturday is free day approach. Each Saturday you typically double your calories consumed to about 3000. Hard to do? Not really. Try ordering a venti Starbucks whole milk, sweetened coffee beverage for upwards of 500 calories. A blueberry muffin (a/k/a cake in a tin) is also around 500 calories and a couple of glasses of wine, some cookies and ice cream and there you are -- 1500 more calories consumed.

You were previously running a caloric deficit that added up to about 2100 calories a week However, with just one day of eating, you've reduced that deficit by 2/3 to just 600 calories a week. Another way to think about this -- if your original goal was to lose 5 pounds in 6 weeks, it will now take you about 10 weeks!! (Please don't use these numbers as a source of real dieting information - I'm talking pure numbers right now without any discussion of types of food consumed, body types, etc. -- sorry for the repeated caveat, can't help myself -- can you tell I work with lawyers?).

Another thing, maybe more important than the speed of weight loss is the behavior you are imprinting into your body/mind/spirit with the mentality of today I'll be "good" and tomorrow I'll be "bad." Who are we being "good" for and likewise, who are we "bad" for or against? Also, it's pretty chicken/egg here in terms of what comes first: the destructive/unhealthy attitudes towards food or the behaviors that express it? I don't think we need to know that answer. I do think that acknowledging the feedback loop between the two is crucial. Binge/overeating creates guilt/shame/regret which creates more binge/overeating....... and on it goes.

So the simple takeaway here? Stick with your food plan 90% of the time and you will usually be successful. The 90% rule builds in the factor of flexibility making it OK eat a food or meal outside of what you have planned or what you usually do. But at the same time, having only a 10% window for variation imposes some rigor on us -- challenging us to commit to healthy portioned eating most of the time. It's like salt and pepper. A little bit of each usually seasons our food nicely. Some of us need a bit more flexibility in our approach. While others could use a bit more of a hard nose approach to get some behaviors in place. Almost none of us benefit from the "just today" and " all or nothing"approach. It's a set up for failure. And you're worth more than that.

Eat in Peace. - Kathleen.

Ask yourself this: Do you Like what You Eat All week?

2011-02-11T19:14:00.000-08:00

What is your weekend eating strategy?

For me, in the off season, meaning I'm not prepping for a competition, Saturdays are a day where I ease off my food plan. I eat slightly bigger portions throughout the day, make less "strict" food choices and usually have a dinner that makes me really really happy. Like my own homemade delicious pizza. Three slices. And it almost always include red wine. Three glasses. And chocolate. Dark chocolate. Just a couple of small squares (usually). And sometimes, I even have a small bowl of ice cream. Friendly's Butter Crunch is a favorite. Yummmm.......I'm feeling a craving come on as I write about it.

When all is said and done, I probably eat 50% -60% more carbs and 30% - 40% more fat than I do during the week. Maybe about 500 or 600 more calories than a weekday. Frequently, I will decrease my protein slightly to help keep the end of the day totals in check and because I just don't feel like I need quite as much when I've upped my fat and carbs so much.

I find that doing this makes me feel very happy and satisfied. All week I know that I get a nice treat Saturday night. Plus, I find it fairly easy (most of the time) to follow my food plan on weekdays so "treats" aren't necessary then for my sanity. I don't crave other foods probably because I'm really busy. Food has to fit in my schedule just like everything else I do. Most days, I eat breakfast lunch and snacks at the office. Dinner is the only meal I"ll eat at home. I pack what I need for the day (and sometimes week) and bring it to the office.

Also, I think what's key is that I really like what I eat --- greek yogurt with pumpkin, almonds and cranberries, waffles with blueberries, amazing salads with red onion, shaved asiago cheese, black olives, tomatoes and grilled chicken, rice cakes with peanut butter, oats with apple butter, my husband's amazing mahi mahi with mango relish...........I guess the only real temptation Monday to Friday is the candy bowl at the office and the glass of wine I'd love to have after the kids are in bed when I've had a particularly stressful day. Usually, I tell myself that Saturday will be that much better if I wait until then for my treats. Then my treat is truly a treat.

How about you? It's February and you might be well into a new year food plan. Have you taken a taste inventory to determine how your current food plan works for you? Are you happy with what you eat each weekday? Do you feel good about your choices AND enjoy how they taste? Answering yes to these questions can make a huge difference for how and what you eat over the weekend. You will get Friday night with a lot less of an urge to GO CRAZY!! Believe me, if you are eating boiled chicken, plain salad and dry toast with hard boiled eggs everyday, then you are going to want to BUST OUT of those insipid food choices come Friday or Saturday. And who can blame you!

In tomorrow's blog will look at strategies for dealing with weekend food choices and our goal of 90% perfection in our food plans to get the results you are looking for.

The Yoga of Weight Training

2011-02-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

Where is your mind when you workout? For the best possible workout put your mind in your muscles! It helps if you know where your muscles start and end but even if you don't know distal and proximal attachments and other anatomy-speak, you have a pretty good idea about where your bicep is located in your arm, right?

Well put your breath right there when you perform your next bicep curl. Sync your inhale with your bicep curl up and your exhale with your movement down. Take it a step further and move your breath right into the belly of the muscle as it moves up and back down. Let your muscle do the breathing.

Now make your working muscle the center of your attention. Establish a good stable posture with a strong firm center. Now, without losing that strong stable center -- allow your mind's eye to picture your core residing right in there. That's how firmly connected your mind and body are to the working muscle: it has now become your core.

Establish a laser focus, you, your breath, your intention, your nervous system firing, your core strength -all moving and breathing together through the lift. Lift with intention. Harness your power. Breathe with grace. Express your respect for your body in your lift. Make it the most important action in the world for you right now. Forget about the other people in the gym and what they look like or how you appear to them. Block out the chatter and the chit chat.

Don't feel like you've established a mind/muscle connection? Shake your body out. Do some nice big dynamic movements (which is a great idea to do before every lifting routine anyway as a warm up in part for this very reason).

A common trap -- sometimes we forget about the back half of our body. The part we can't quite see in the mirrors. Tonight for example while doing side lateral dumbbell raises (just like it sounds, weights at your sides and then lifted up to shoulder height), I found my attention focused almost completely on only the front deltoids. I reminded myself about the back of the shoulders and the sides by rolling my shoulders a few times. Stretching my arms out to my sides shoulder height and feeling those muscles on the upper back/shoulder area fire. Then, I started another set of raises. Ah, much better, now that the plug is really in, the light has turned on.

Give extra attention this way to your weakest areas. For example, I find it incredibly helpful to prepare my gluts for squats by standing tall and extending my leg back at the hip joint -- pressing one leg at at time behind me at different heights and angles. There's no right or wrong movement here, just the movements that get you to feel your body, to acquaint your brain with your muscles and vice verse. Foam rolling is another great way to help establish this connection.

When I was a serious ashtanga yoga practitioner one of my teachers used to say that yoga without the breath is just gymnastics. Gymnastics is great -- but I listened to him because I wanted more. I wanted yoga -- the union of body/mind/breath.

I approach my lifts and training like another form of yoga. Training is a literal wake up call for my body/mind and my opportunity to merge them.

Give it a try, you might just like it and even better, you might find your lifts improving.

Ask Yourself the 5 Why's to Get Back on Track

2011-02-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

Corporate Training Gets Personal

I took a Six Sigma training class today at work. If you're not familiar with it, Six Sigma is a system to help companies identify inefficiencies, eliminate waste and cut the fat in order to become meaner and leaner and impact their bottom line in a positive way. All very corporate. And yet -- whenever I hear ideas about getting better, cutting out the fat and becoming leaner, I'll admit my ears perk up. LOL. Seriously, I learned about some really good tools that I can now apply to analyzing and improving me, my life and my life processes (oh yeah, and to my job too).

So here are a few simple take aways that you might find interesting:

The 6 Defined Steps for the Six Sigma Process:

Visualize/Commit/Prioritize/Characterize/Improve/Achieve

OK, I'll give try to use this circle of steps for my life. Can you take one goal in your life you are actively working to achieve and break down these six steps? I'll give it a try here for me:

Visualize: I see myself onstage, trophy in hand winning the NE Classic on June 4th, 2011 and getting my pro card.

Commit: I commit to a diet and training program over the next 18 weeks to be the best I can be on June 4th.

Prioritize: I make family, work, training, cardio, eating, logging my eating and communicating with my coaches my top priorities to getting there.

Characterize: I characterize the behaviors I need, the habits I must develop to support my priorities. For example, I get up and workout while my kids are asleep, I pack my food every night to take with me the next morning, etc.

Improve: What do I need to improve? What are my strengths and weaknesses in the gym? Where can I clean up my diet even more? Where am I falling short? What is now working and why? What steps can I take to be better today?

Achieve: Yes, I have a clear goal in mind to win a contest. And, I am working these steps to do absolutely everything within my power to succeed.

So how'd it go for you --- did you work through an area of your life where you can set out your specific steps to success?

Here's another exercise, a simple elegant one I think could be useful for trying to hack away at a problem so that you can understand what the cause of it is.

Root Cause Analysis - 5 Whys

Take a look at something that isn't working perfectly for you now, that presents a "pain point" (I learned this word today and I like it). Now, analyze all of the circumstances surrounding your pain, determine the root cause and a solution specific to that cause. And you do this by asking Why five times.

The example the course used was a simple one - The tire is flat. Why? Nails on Floor. Why? Box is torn. Why? Box is wet. Why? Hole in Roof -- and bingo you've found your root cause. Fix the roof, you eliminate the flat tires.

This is interesting too -- you could continue asking Why. Why a hole in the roof? Tree Hit Roof. Why? Wind blew it down. Why? Storm last night. Why? Because we live in New England. So now, this is different because we have arrived at a root cause that's not changeable (unless you move to Florida, which might help you but not that roof). I love this distinction between actionable/preventable root causes vs. not actionable ones. Because, I know, that sometimes I have been guilty of spinning my wheels, trying to change something that's just not actionable.

Reality checks are key to executing all successful plans and goals. Ask yourself: what can I fix and what is a waste of my energy? Can you take something in your life and see whether you can find its root case by tracing through the Whys and see where you get? Let me know and I promise to do the same!

"Good Girl/Bad Girl" Dieting Trap

2011-02-07T19:05:00.000-08:00

When I was a teenager, there was little spot in our kitchen between the stove and the sink that my family called "Kathy's corner." Yes, I used to be Kathy but please call me Kathleen if you've met me in the last 20 years -;). I would stand in this little "corner" to make my lunch and the lunches for my 6 brothers and sisters, which as you could imagine took a while. I would also dole out dessert (often ice cream) for all of us from this spot. Unfortunately, I would stand in this corner much longer than I needed to and most times, I wouldn't actually serve myself a bowl of ice cream because by the time I'd gotten through sneaking a little scoop here, just one more scoop there, I'd have consumed more than double the serving I intended to eat in a bowl, sitting down at the table with my family. The bottom line was that "Kathy's corner" was my favorite spot for binging. I'd leave this little corner ashamed, angry at myself, scared at feeling so out of control and now sure why or how to stop it.

Fast forward the tape, ahem, a few years , and I am happy to say that I have mostly eliminated this habit of standing off by myself and "sneaking" or "hording" food. I'm reminded of a close friend who is finally in recovery for alcoholism. I can vividly picture many a night (or morning for that matter) of her standing in our kitchen, in a corner between the fridge and sink, her back mostly to me and our friends as she pours herself yet another drink -- into a juice glass. I imagine that somehow she (like me as a teenager) believed that none of us would notice her drinking if she stood off to the side by herself, using her body to shield her shame.

Well, I must say that this is a much darker post than I intended to write. I started out with the intention of discussing how "picking" on foods throughout the day: a slug of your husband's Coke, a small handful of your kids' McDonald's fries and a quick sneak of a tablespoon of ice cream can easily add up to sabotage your diet or food plan. And you know what? That is a great subject that I would like to explore more with you. So I promise that I'll return to it another time --- maybe later this week.

OK back to the blog post at hand:

So, believe me, the irony of how much I must control my food intake in order to diet down for a competition is not lost on me.

I spent most of my twenties in therapy to uncover, understand and thank God, ultimately stop abusing food. To now practice the dieting this sport requires for success (for a drug free competitor anyway) gives me flashbacks to the desperate short term measures I tried back then (and always, always failed at) in an attempt to stop eating emotionally. Please understand that I work with an amazing coach, eat incredibly healthy -- way healthier than I did as a bread/cheese/pizza eating "vegetarian" - and use only safe methods to diet down for a bodybuilding show. It's the dieting brain/mentailty that kicks me in the ass and takes me back to those darker days.

Maybe you know what I mean when I mention my years of struggle with diets and short term fixes destined to fail? You've had yet another terrible night losing the "battle" with food. You're ashamed. Desperate to find a way to "be good" -- good that is, starting tomorrow. You start grasping for what seem to be the quick fixes -- the gimmicks, the- lose -10 pounds- in- 10- days programs, the 2 a.m. phone call ordering the complete Tony Robbins Change your Life NOW!! CD set for just $199 (that one's for you Frankie!!). You find a book or resource that explains away your failings up to this point -- Oh my God all along I've been eating the wrong kind of food for my blood type -- THAT'S what's wrong with me! .......I have a gluten allergy....... I've been eating carbs after 1 p.m....... Believe me, there is validity to some of these assertions and I certainly don't mean to make light of them since I know it all first hand. It's really the mentality of trying to solve "what is wrong with me inside" with some outside explanation that I'm getting at.

I can remember trying the grapefruit diet (that's even had a resurgence in the last 5 years in the media I think), the hard boiled egg diet (have you ever had a food that makes you gag? Hard boiled eggs was and still is one for me so you can imagine how much fun that was and how long that lasted), the just soup diet, the just salad diet, the only vegetables and fruits diet, the juice fast, the 4 oz of orange juice and small quaker granola bar for breakfast and then nothing till dinner diet (my own design). On and on my list goes of kooky, unhealthy diets destined to fail. Destined to make me feel like a failure. There's much much more to delve into on this subject. Let's end tonight like this.

It's the new year. Diets for some of us are going full throttle at the moment. This might be an awesome accomplishment. You have found a healthy plan and you are working it. You feel good about yourself. You are making the right choices for yourself and this empowers you. Congrats! For others though, you have tried and already floundered. As a result, you call yourself a "failure." Have you seen that Jenny Craig commercial with Carrie Fisher? I just think it's a terrible terrible ad but it does a really good job of capturing that feeling of desperation, of hopelessness. Of depression. For those of us rocking out on our diets and those who are living in shame that we haven't stuck to our diets -- is there a way out of the down the rabbit hole mentality of when I am "being good" I deserve love and respect and when I am "bad" I deserve shame and self-hatred?

Is there anyway we stop calling ourselves "good" and "bad" depending on how tight or loose our jeans are? Believe me, I'm asking myself this question too. When I wake up in the morning to weigh myself, my husband can tell without me saying a word which direction the number on the scale moved from the day before. I have no answer right now to this good girl/bad girl paradigm. I think we all have our own set of questions to ask of ourselves and therefore our own set of answers to uncover. We all make mistakes. We will all fail from time to time. Can we do so with self love and self respect? Easier said than done I know. Work in progress for us all.......

This blog ends (for me) without a satisfactory hook or conclusion which, alas, I believe is the way it so often happens in life. One thing I will say is that I no longer eat in any version of "Kathy's Corner." That behavior is just not OK for me. Other than that, I try to make a deal with myself to get up each day, give my best, and when I mess up, figure out how to do better and then, move on. I stay hyper-vigilant that there is probably no accident between my past struggles with food and my entry into the world of physique competitions. Humble awareness -- it's the best I can offer up right now. Good night.

KB Lean and Fit's Top Ten Tips for Starting your Weight Training Program

2011-02-05T20:01:00.000-08:00

Hi there,

Day one of my blog. I intend to blog on weight training, nutrition, massage, yoga and my bodybuilding contest preparation. A little background on the bodybuilding: 18 weeks from today I'll be competing in the New England Classic, a physique contest held annual in Marlborough, MA. (http://www.neclassic.com/).

This will be my 7th physique competition. I did my first two shows in November 2009 and competed in 4 shows in 2010. I've committed at this point to working with one particular organization, the International Natural Bodybuilding and Fitness Federation. http://www.inbf.net/. I've been improving my placement with each show I've done so far and I am driven to take first place and get my pro card!!

Today was a typical Saturday for me -- I gave a couple of massages today out of my home http://www.unraveledmassage.com/ hung out with my boys ages 4 1/2 and 7, went to the gym and weight trained, came home ate, played on the computer, ate some more, jumped rope for 35 minutes in the basement and then started working on figuring out this blog thing.

I'll share more about me as this blog progresses over time. Here' what I wanted to share today.

KB Lean and Fit's Ten Random Thoughts on Weight Training

1. Get off of the cardio equipment and get into the weight room. Instead of four thirty minute treadmill sessions this week, complete two weight training sessions and only 2 on the treadmill. You won't get fat, I promise. It will stoke your metabolism, it will help you get lean!

2. Women everywhere please believe me: you will not bulk up by lifting weights. Do you know how hard some women (like me for example) work to intentionally put on muscle and how very difficult this is to do?

3. OK, so you've done it, you're in the weight room!! Awesome. Intimidating right? I know, I know, those 23 year olds are a bit annoying with their grunting and sweating but some of them are bit sexy from a safe (and sanitary) distance. So enjoy the view -- I won't tell your husband!

4. Please don't make your very first weight training session consist of standing on 1 leg on a bosu ball (that upside down dome thingy) while doing alternating bicep curls. I'm sorry but it's just plain stupid. Keep it simple and forget what the guy with Master Trainer on the back of his t-shirt is doing and start with basic straight-ahead lifts. I know you may not know what that is yet -- we'll get to that as time goes by and there are a good books and other resources out there to help you too.

5. If you are going to hire a personal trainer, I don't know maybe this is just me -- but don't you want them to be in better shape than you? I mean like WAY better shape? Find someone who inspires you, who speaks your language, who kicks your ass if that's what you need, who holds you accountable. Things I've noticed that DON'T help -- the trainer who talks to you all the time, tells you their life story (who cares - you're paying them!!), the trainer who makes excuses (you're paying this person?), the trainer who doesn't motivate/inspire/strike awe in you. Be picky about who you work with. Don't just let the club "assign" someone to you. Interview the club, interview the trainer. You're paying a pretty penny for this expertise so let's make sure they actually have it.

6. Start out humble - set behavioral based goals and a reward. "I commit to two 45 minute weight training sessions a week for the next 4 weeks." Give yourself time to figure everything out -- where the weights are, how to use them, what reps and sets are, what kind of weight you need to use on each lift. This stuff takes time. Expecting results in 2 weeks is not realistic. You can't learn a language till you learn the alphabet. Be patient with yourself and commit to the process. Results will come.

7. Give yourself your reward and enjoy it!! It's Saturday. You did it! On Mon, Wed, you completed 2 treadmill sessions x 30 minutes and on Tues, Thur your very first 2 weight training sessions. You even feel a bit sore!! Go get that pedicure you told yourself you'd get if you did it. Buy that new pair of yoga pants. Get that massage!

8. Don't reward yourself with food! There was a controversial article in Time Magazine a couple of years ago where the author posited that most people didn't attain fitness goals because working out made them hungrier and therefore they ate more -- undoing the "good" of their exercise protocol. Don't fall into this trap!! Food is not your reward for a workout well done. Deal?

9. Food -- oh boy, blogs and blogs exist about what to eat, what not to eat. We'll dig into this over time but here's a place to start: go to www.fitday.com or any other of the online food journals, and start logging what you eat. Yes, really, write it down, and yes, it will require you to measure and weigh things. Even if you are thinking right now, sorry, I'm not going to become OCD about this like this girl clearly is, please let it roll around in the back of your head. Sleep on it. Think about it. Even rant about it but don't ignore it! I"m telling you, in 75% of the people I meet, men and women, this is the crucial missing piece. The girl who tells you she had to stop weight training because her pants were getting too tight in the thighs -- as much as she'd like to believe it was because 4 weeks of squatting 10 pound dumbells gave her massive quadriceps, it was the "rewards" she gave herself in the kitchen for a job well done that caused that "bulk". You've got to know what you are eating, and crucial: how much of it you are eating (there is such thing as too much of a good thing) in order to determine what supports your goal of lean body mass and what doesn't.

10. Progress photos. These are just SO awesome to have. I know - not when you take them on day 1, I know, ugh, those just feel awful But you don't have to look at them, just save a folder on your desktop, "Progress pix". Snap a front, side and back shot once a week in a bathing suit. Try, if you can ,to do this at the same time of the day and in the same location/lighting. For example, I do mine every Saturday morning before breakfast in front of a built-in china cabinet in our dining room. You will be amazed at how over time you will notice differences in those pictures that you might not see or realize without doing this. The shoulders a bit rounder (good thing), the midsection slightly leaner (very good thing), etc. ......

OK, if you like this post, please come back for more. I'll discuss weight training, diet, recipes, balancing worklifecareerworkingoutbeingamom, husbands, suburbia, blah, blah, blah! I hope I'll figure this blog thing out too!